Death!

Death! It's very painful and hard to understand.  You wonder why?  I know I have question God so many times in my life it's not funny. I have given up on him sometimes and I know I shouldn't but I didn't understand.  I was told God doesn't give you anymore then you can handle. Wow!  he must think I have some big shoulders or is one strong women. But, sometimes I know I am not. 
I faced my first death when I was 15 years old.  My father passed away in front of me.  It was so hard. I cried for days and walked around in daze for along time. Couldn't understand why or how we were going to make it. My father was bread winner. My mother never worked outside the home. The death tore our family apart and still has.  My mother never let us talk about him or it. I only talked to my sister who was my rock. 
Then six months later my rock my sister passed away. She drowned a swimming pool.  I cried and cried, couldn't understand why the Lord would take her away now who did I have no one. What was I going to do?  I don't know. I want to give up so many times in life.  I act out in school and home. My mother never had time for me. Always telling me couldn't wait till I was 18 the day I turn 18 she told me I was out, my bags would be packed and ready.  Wow! that was another blow. I know I didn't make things easy for her but I was crying for help.  I needed someone to talk too. to tell me it was going to be ok.  But, I never found that person.  
Then five years later we went through again, my baby brother pass away from a heart condition.  Then I really started question God and saying why?  What did I ever do to you to have to go through this so young? 
I know I couldn't turn to my family for support. I did meet a wonderful man whom I been with for over thirty years that's been wonderful and there for me. 
We moved away from the area to try and start a fresh life as I wasn't happy there. My high school friends were mean and bully me I needed to start all over and begin life all over again. 
We moved south to start a fresh life and enjoy it.   Then when Daddy Wolf's father got sick we moved back up north to be close by him.  We stayed there awhile to try and build a relationship with my family, got no way so off we went back south.  
Then Daddy's Wolf  Sister became sick with brain cancer and had a stroke on the table, couldn't take care herself and didn't want to move in a nursing home. So, we packed up our belongs and moved up there in her home to take care of her.  She was alot of work, she couldn't go to the bathroom had to wear diapers, couldn't feed herself, couldn't bath herself.  She was like a another child to us but alot bigger. She became part of our life. We went every where with her.  Yea there were days and time you just wanted to throw in the hat and say enough is enough. Never got  break from it. Couldn't do anything as family.  She couldn't go to movies, or anything wouldn't sit. Ask her children and other members of the family to give us break no one would. It got to be so hard on us. We had two girls that were in things we couldn't go watch them or do things with them as we had her. She was hooked up to a feeding tube and in a wheelchair or bed, there was no family  to help us. My girls told us one time it was like watching a snowman melt slowly.  Wow that hit us hard. They were acting out as we didn't have the time for them. We knew we had to do something or we would mess up there life's and they were to young for that.  We ask her son for some time off. Now get this, this is what he told us. Why do you need time off?  What I drop the phone and said you got to be kidding. Do you work 24/7 without a day off. I mean we never got to do anything for over 13 months. He then stated well if you need some time off we will put her in a nursing home and leave her there. Wow! that was a blow to us and her.  But, I knew I had to do it to help my family, I was losing them.  They need me I was so torn. So, we gave them 30 days notice and told them to find someone to take over. That was the hardest day of my life when I had to tell her. She was so heart broken she stop speaking and wouldn't talk to us the rest of the time. When we took her to the nursing home and told her good bye she spoke for the last time and told us to please come back and get her. My heart broke I didn't have the heart to tell her no. you see she didn't understand alot of things. Some things she did.  We called her many times to check up on her like I said she became a child to us and  we couldn't just throw her away and forget her.  We called her a week before her birthday and her last words were to us please come back and get me.  She die a week later with a broken heart, alone and sad. My heart  is still heavy.  I think  why couldn't I have been a little bit more strong for her.  Or why couldn't her son understand and give us some family time for the girls. 
I will never understand that one either. 
Then we moved back down south to start all over.   Was down a few years then my mother in law got sick and was put in a nursing home and hated it.  So, we decide to move her in with us. Where was my mind I don't know wasn't in the right place I know that. My mother in law never like me from day one and let the whole world know it.  She learned after a few years, I wasn't going to go any where so we kind of got use to each other. Not best friends or anything like that. Just talked to be nice know what I mean.  So, when Daddy Wolf ask to bring her in. I thought well I been in the family over thirty years. She doesn't care for me well maybe with old age she got better. Boy, was I slapped in the face when she moved in big time. She was the boss and that was it. No that wasn't going to happen. She wasn't going to boss the Wolf Daughters around.  She could do her thing and we did ours. Well that lasted awhile then Mom got worst so I had to shut down alot of things to take care of her. Once again we were prisoners in our home. We couldn't do anything as we couldn't leave her alone and she couldn't go out much.   Things were very hard on the family with her here.  Our family was once again suffering.  We were strong we had alot of tears, alot of yelling. alot of why?    Sometimes were great we laughed together.   Mom passed away. It was hard for us all.
But, I tell you one thing I will never I mean never do it again. Its to hard on family and relationship.  You have to think of your family first and with no other family members helping you are stuck. 
So, yes I have question God alot in my life asking why?  I might never know the answers to any of my question.  Maybe I not meet to know the answers I don't know. 
Then yesterday a girl I knew took her life.  Why?  My heart is broken.  Something or someone must of hurt her bad.